Matt Tinney’s Good Chat Podcast: Tom Curnow shows us a thing or two about empathy and not following the flock

What does it mean to be a man? It’s a big question. What society expects of men is changing and there’s a lot of talk about toxic masculinity - about what we shouldn’t be. But what should we be? If you’re a man, in a relationship with a bloke, or have a son, this series is for you. Matt Tinney created this series as a gift for his boy Vance and has invited eight of the most inspiring guys he could find to sit down for a deep chat. Nothing is off limits. Episode 5: Tom Curnow: The young fella who rose from the ashes Good Chat Podcast Season 3: Men to Inspire My Son ‘I get knocked down but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down.’ More than 20 years ago, British rock band Chumbawamba scored a hit with the song Tubthumping. Ironically, the band got knocked down the charts and never came back. But this one-hit wonder nailed the concept of resilience. The song was released in 1997 - the same year Tom Curnow was born. Tom is a farm-loving country boy who comes from one of the most remote parts of Australia. He had an idyllic childhood, but just as he entered manhood tragedy shattered his world. Tom’s dad, Kym, was killed in the Esperance bushfires in 2015. His father was a volunteer firefighter and died while warning others about the approaching flames. At the age of 18, barely a man, Tom took over the family farm with the help of his uncles and the support of his dad’s mates. I covered the bushfires for Sunrise. The landscape was like no other fire I’d reported on - flames had transformed the fields of crops into a white desert. Tom is not an imposing figure but he is strong, calm and has that country sense of humour that is uniquely Australian. While he is a quiet achiever, we could all learn a thing or two from this remarkable young fella. 5 Things I Learnt From Tom Curnow 1. Don’t be a sheep Tom Curnow’s family used to have sheep on the farm, so Tom saw how they behaved up close. When one sheep decides to move, the rest of the flock will follow, even if it’s a bad decision. Tom says, “A lot of people get in the sheep mode and just follow the crowd. They don’t set their mind on what they want to do.” Tom faced pressure to move to the city and go to university because ‘it was the done thing’. He knew it was not the right decision for him, so he stuck to his guns and embraced farm life. It’s a quality he learnt from his dad. Tom says, “(Dad) didn’t really care that much about what other people thought of him. He just did what he liked to do.” Ignoring the flock means you might not fit in with the crowd, but it could be a risk worth taking. 2. So what if it’s not manly? Back in my day at primary school, the boys played football and the girls played netball. Nobody questioned it. The same ‘rule’ applied at every school that competed in the local primary school league. Back in the 1990s, we didn’t challenge gender stereotypes like today. Tom says times have changed. “If people want to have a go at doing something else that’s not manly they can if they want.” Tom has been playing mixed netball. He says when he was younger he probably would’ve thought a boy playing netball was ‘silly’. But now he says guys can enjoy the freedom to do what they want. 3. Empathy I knew Tom was an impressive young man, but one moment during the podcast episode showed just how impressive. Tom told me about the moment he found out his dad had been killed. His dad’s best mate rang him to tell him the terrible news. What came next made me speechless. “It would’ve been very hard for his best mate to ring me up. But I was glad it was him.” If Tom can find it in him to step into his dad’s best mate’s shoes, then we can all have a crack at being empathetic. 4. Pick your crusade Many boys have been taught that being a man is about being physically strong and tough. Not Tom. “The biggest thing my dad always drummed into me about being a man was probably being truthful,” says Tom. That got me thinking. While kids learn from watching us, we have the opportunity to pick one lesson that trumps all others to hammer home. What will be your crusade? 5. Just jump in Having experienced tragedy, Tom says it would be dangerous if you didn’t have people around you who cared. “I’m just so lucky that I had thousands of people who cared about me.” Sometimes it’s difficult to know the best way to respond when somebody is going through a tough time. I’m guilty of pulling out the phrase ‘let me know if you need anything’. The person will rarely let you know because thinking of what they need is just another task to add to their plate. Tom teaches us that the best way to respond is to jump in and help. That’s what Tom’s uncles and his dad’s mates did and that has proved vital in helping him rise from the ashes. You can listen to the Good Chat Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and Spotify.