Matt Tinney’s Good Chat Podcast: Holden Sheppard on being yourself and never judging a book by its cover

What does it mean to be a man? It’s a big question. What society expects of men is changing and there’s a lot of talk about toxic masculinity - about what we shouldn’t be. But what should we be? If you’re a man, in a relationship with a bloke, or have a son, this series is for you. Matt Tinney created this series as a gift for his boy Vance and has invited eight of the most inspiring guys he could find to sit down for a deep chat. Nothing is off limits. Episode 8: Holden Sheppard: Becoming your own type of man Good Chat Podcast Season 3: Men to Inspire My Son With his coloured mohawk, Holden Sheppard would look right at home in a 1980s punk band. But you won’t find him performing at a pub. His stage is made of paper. Holden is an author. He also happens to be gay. You’d probably never guess he was either and that’s the reason I wanted to speak with him for the podcast. Holden has shown you can become your own type of man. But it took him years to realise that. Holden grew up in Geraldton where footy reigns supreme. He followed AFL but was more comfortable holding a novel than a Sherrin. It’s hard to believe now but he struggled to come to terms with his sexuality so much he wanted to end his life. A drunken conversation with somebody who was comfortable with their sexuality inspired a life-saving turnaround. Holden asked himself, “What if I didn’t want to kill myself because I was gay?” That somebody is now his husband. After getting married this year, Holden is enjoying success with his debut novel, Invisible Boys. The book follows three teenage boys struggling to come to terms with their sexuality in a place where it’s invisible. I sat down with Holden before his novel was published. The manuscript had won the T.A.G Hungerford Award, but the boy from Geraldton had no idea what was to come. After only one week on the shelves, Invisible Boys went into reprint. Holden’s book is flying off the shelves. Now, he is far from invisible. 5 Things I Learnt From Holden Sheppard 1. Let boys be boys Are we letting boys be who they want to be? My son, Vance, copies his big sister by wearing her clothes and playing with her dolls. I have no problem with this whatsoever. But it was very different back in my day when we had toys for boys and toys for girls. You only have to listen to Holden to hear why stereotypes can be harmful to children who are trying to work out who they are. Holden says for years he was terrified about what his dad would say about him being gay because his old man is a blokey kind of guy. Fathers have a critical role. Boys learn what’s acceptable and what’s not by watching and listening to their dads. When Holden finally told his dad, he was pleasantly surprised. “He got up, gave me a big and he’s like ‘that’s cool you’re my son I love you’.” 2. Don’t let labels define you When I first saw a photo of Holden, I was shocked to learn he’s an author and gay. He says, “I’m not the only one. There’s lots of guys just like me who you walk past in the street every day and they’re gay and you assume that they’re not, but they are. There are lots of ways to be gay just as there are lots of ways to be human.” Maybe we should drop the labels and embrace people for who they are. 3. Let it go, let it go Before I became a journalist, I wanted to be a pilot. I didn’t have the money to learn to fly privately, so the Royal Australian Air Force was my only option. First I needed to get into the Australian Defence Force Academy. The selection process included doing push-ups without my clothes on so my body could be assessed. I even had a nose operation so I could breathe better. Yes, I was that desperate! But I failed to get one of the few spots at the academy reserved for wannabe pilots. Letting go was tough. Holden spent years writing a fantasy novel which got rejected over and over. One agent told him his writing was competent but didn’t make him feel anything. The blunt assessment coincided with Holden losing his job at a university. After becoming depressed, he gave up on the fantasy novel. Holden says, “Once that failed and once I lost my job I was like ‘I don’t have to impress anyone now I have failed. Now I can just do whatever the hell I want’.” He started writing a different story. The words rushed out of him and he wrote a quarter of the book in only two days. That book is now the award-winning Invisible Boys. Holden didn’t realise it at the time, but letting go of that fantasy novel led to his career taking off. 4. You’ll find your place Many people go through a period in their life when they don’t know where they belong. In Holden’s case, he contemplated ending his life. But he worked his way out of the dark, finding his place as an author. Holden says, “I have just happened to write this book at the right time for the world to be willing to put it out there.” Holden is now an ambassador for Lifeline WA which offers 24/7 support. I think the message for all of us is to support our loved ones as they try to find their place in the world. 5. Just do it Holden has always followed AFL and barracked for Collingwood (we won’t hold that against him). But when he was at school, he never played football because he thought the other boys wouldn’t accept him. Holden says he was surrounded by blokey culture and didn’t have any messaging telling him it was OK to be gay. “It’s very much an aesthetic of this is what a real man is and anyone who is outside that we are going to destroy or ostracise.” Fast forward and Holden is now playing AFL 9s for the Perth Hornets, an all-inclusive AFL team. The Hornets have been training and playing practice games. But they haven’t had enough guys to field a team, until now. Tonight is Holden’s first real game. He has become his own type of man. He plays footy, writes books, has a mohawk…. and he happens to be gay. Holden says, “I could have been so much kinder to myself and just eased the hell up and gone I’m OK as I am, but I didn’t know that at the time.” Go the Hornets! You can listen to the Good Chat Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and Spotify. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467